Saturday, March 6, 2010

RUNNING TO WHOLENESS


Running to Wholeness

All the tapes in my head, running all the time, sometimes such a soft whisper that I barely, barely can hear. But I know it's there.

I understand that the child I was, could not filter nor properly assess the twisted programing, sent by equally victimized individuals, playing out the endless torture scenes of their own childhood nightmares.

And all done in the name of "love."

It wasn't their fault. They were captive in an era when no one spoke of these shameful secrets.

And I also was a victim, but, thank G-d, I live at a time in history when we are openly confronting and challenging the deepest, filthiest sins of the human race.

Now I must take control of the demons that have driven me all my life to pursue toxic relationships, to sabotage myself every time I am within view of my long-fought for goal.

Now, when true love is on the horizon, lightening the eastern sky, now is the time to take control of myself.

I must cleanse myself of every fear, every distorted thought and attitude.

I must filter every negative whisper and shout that attempts to fill me with fear.

"...and the main thing is to have no fear, no fear at all."

I looked in the mirror tonight after Shabbat ended and saw a beautiful, deep, loving, courageous woman.

I understand now that I deserve to be loved for the wholeness that I am, not used because I am sensual and orgasmic.

I understand that the righteous, good and decent man who gently woos me and wins my trust will be truly blessed if I consent to give myself to him.

Now I know that the choice is mine. I choose. I choose.

I know I am a treasure who loves deeply and self-sacrificially.

I know this man will thank G-d every day of his life that he has me at his side, guarding his back and giving him all the love he has longed for his whole life long.

I know that the end of a relationship no longer must be a heart-break. If that person was truly worthy of even a taste of my love, it is a memory that will nurture me into the future.

I understand that each is an experience in growth, in learning to harness the powerful emotions that make us vital, dynamic, creative.

"Ze lo sof ha olam." It is not the end to world. It is trial by fire at times, it is boot camp, it is the great laboratory where we strive to perfect ourselves.

I was damaged, but I am no longer a victim.
I am a good student.
I am a quick study in so many things,
but not this one.
This has taken decades.

But I am arriving.

With gratitude to the Most High, with beautiful hopes for a future of contentment and real love, real connectedness, real peace.

My heart sings praises to the Creator and Sustainer of all things.

The destructive power has come to its end. My eyes have been opened and now I will walk in the light.

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