Beyond My Shell

The day has been warm and forgiving, the mountains are silhouetted against the darkening sky, the breeze is gentle on my skin. My heart is filled with gratitude to the Creator.

A soft glow warms the western reaches, behind me the deep, blue sky turns slowly to ink, the San Gabriels melting against the darkness.

My breath catches in my nose, and for a moment I forget to breathe.

Somehow my true life is taking shape.

All week I've been locked in a battle to bring back what was lost, fighting to retrieve what was mine.

Some I lost through theft and deceit, some through fear and neglect. Some through panic and anger.

I am here, bereft.

Sometimes they come to see if I've made any progress, worked through my demons, and they theirs.

Part of me wants to chain them to myself and hold them captive.

Part of me knows they must drift and struggle until they make their own tikkun and heal their karma.

As must I.

This human life is so taxing. I feel the quicksand pulling me down once again.

STRONG EMOTIONS! SCREAMING.

BEGGING but refusing to speak the depths of my despair.

In desperation, I grab each naked root as I fall, skinning my hands, tearing my clothes, being smeared with mud as I plummet downward, into the abyss of darkness.

HELP ME! WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME?

COMFORT ME! Comfort me. Soothe away the terror, the emptiness.

Enfold me. Wrap me in the strength of your body.

My sobbing subsides. My breathing settles into a gentle rhythm.

My eyes grow heavy.

I sleep.

Secrets for a Good Life, Part I, Stay in Touch and Show up

The break-neck pace we lead in southern California makes it too easy for us to forget the important things in life.

There is nothing more precious, more touching than the love and memories we have with those who shared our adventures as we navigated so many stages.

Granted, we are all very busy with the many things that demand our attention. No doubt, our to-do list never seems to be cleared.

But, really, what can be more important than making that special someone happy with a cheerful phone call?

How is our school chum from the fourth grade doing? Is our great-uncle who turned 90 having a pleasant day?

Make someone happy!

In the end, the few minutes we spend letting an old and cherished friend or relative know they are in our hearts and thoughts mean more than words can express.

Now, pick up the phone, sit down and write that little note or e-mail, make someone happy! Buy that plane ticket for the birthday celebration, make a date for a lovely lunch.

Extend yourself!

What does it matter that you must always be the one to make the effort.

Gratitude and appreciation enrich us and everyone we touch.

AND CALL YOUR MOTHER!

Love List

THINGS I LOVE

I love running through strawberry fields.

I love to eat hot apple pie with melted cheddar cheese.

I love studly men who also have an excellent brain.

I love sleeping, I mean actually sleeping, with a man, but dang! I snore!

(It is so unsexy).

I'd love to be a married lady again some day soon but this time to a regular good guy.

I love working with the fabulous, funny, intelligent women.

I love my elegant condo which I designed myself.

I love my grown kids who have become absolute brats. Delayed development, I think. They're at the teenage rebellion stage right now. What a pain!

I love my mother who used to seem self-centered, but now I understand. Miracle?

I adore my hot-tempered sister, the Dragon Lady. She can dish it out but can't take it.

I love my brother who has been totally domesticated by his Latina wife.

My middle sister, the Dragon Lady, says he's gone, it's a clone.

I love our long-lost but not forgotten real brother,

the Marxist-Trotskyist, feminist who is just doesn't seem to be there!

I love my bank that gives me time-out if I get over-drawn.

I love the Social Security Administration that direct deposits my SSA benefits. (Remember, I'm past sixty!)

I love my best friend, E, who is one of the more neurotic people I know but will be there at 2 AM if you need help.

I adored my deceased friend, A, who would start talking like a house afire before you've barely said hello.

I MISS HER MORE THAN I CAN EXPRESS.

I love my friend, S, one of the smartest people I know who was dating a pornographic film-maker.

I do not love pornographic films.

I loved being on the tenth floor at work in W.C. and watching the birds zoom by.

I love walking in the woods behind the Redwood curtain.

I love chocolate, of course! That's a no-brainer!

I love a glass of kosher Syrah/Shiraz wine with supper.

I love a rainy day when I'm cozy inside in front of a fire.

I love driving up the California coast.

I LOVE JERUSALEM MORE THAN ANY PLACE ON EARTH!

I LOVE THE BEACHES AND MOUNTAINS OF CUBA,

LA PERLA DE LOS ANTILES.

I love Salsa music. I love Son music. I love Danzon music. I love music!

I love to cuddle my grandchildren.

I love to pray shachrit, the Jewish morning service.

I love Passover seders.

I love to eat apples and honey on Jewish New Year.

I love flying high in the sky with some guy; it's my idea of something to do.

I love to win every once in a very blue moon.

(c) 11.23.09