Beyond My Shell

The day has been warm and forgiving, the mountains are silhouetted against the darkening sky, the breeze is gentle on my skin. My heart is filled with gratitude to the Creator.

A soft glow warms the western reaches, behind me the deep, blue sky turns slowly to ink, the San Gabriels melting against the darkness.

My breath catches in my nose, and for a moment I forget to breathe.

Somehow my true life is taking shape.

All week I've been locked in a battle to bring back what was lost, fighting to retrieve what was mine.

Some I lost through theft and deceit, some through fear and neglect. Some through panic and anger.

I am here, bereft.

Sometimes they come to see if I've made any progress, worked through my demons, and they theirs.

Part of me wants to chain them to myself and hold them captive.

Part of me knows they must drift and struggle until they make their own tikkun and heal their karma.

As must I.

This human life is so taxing. I feel the quicksand pulling me down once again.

STRONG EMOTIONS! SCREAMING.

BEGGING but refusing to speak the depths of my despair.

In desperation, I grab each naked root as I fall, skinning my hands, tearing my clothes, being smeared with mud as I plummet downward, into the abyss of darkness.

HELP ME! WOULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME?

COMFORT ME! Comfort me. Soothe away the terror, the emptiness.

Enfold me. Wrap me in the strength of your body.

My sobbing subsides. My breathing settles into a gentle rhythm.

My eyes grow heavy.

I sleep.

Crossing the Divide

As we exude the fragrant attitude of gratitude,

we feel full, complete, overflowing with abundance.

And so, naturally we want to give to others.

It's just like being in love.

We love everyone and the world looks beautiful!

If we meet a kindred soul of the other gender

who wants to give us as much as we want to give that soul,

it's astonishing! Sweet.......

Our technically sophisticated society

has kept us in our little compartments,

driving alone in our cars,

locking our doors,

staying inside our dwellings,

avoiding one another,

rushing about our hectic little lives,

not even knowing the names of our neighbors.

But stop!

Why are we even here?

What, for heaven's sake,

are we supposed to be doing

on this planet for a span of 70 or 80 or 90 years?

I HAVE NO DOUBT.

I am convinced

one of the myriad reasons is

we are incontrovertibly

here to help one another.

The road is uncertain.

Others have gone ahead

generously sharing their secrets with us.

We must listen.

It will make the journey less fearsome.

Mine is the voice of friendship.

I look deep into your eyes, plumbing your soul.

What holds you back?

Be known, truly known,

in the profundity of your spirit,

caressed and cradled in quietness.

These caring hands want to give you

only gentle goodness.

Compelled to give.

Will you receive from me?

I am a keeper of the shining light

to bathe your soul, your mind, your emotions.

Fear not.

"Life is just a narrow bridge and

the main thing is to have no fear, no fear at all."

Take my hand.

Together we will walk to a place of peace.

Passover, Freedom and Friendship

Dear family and friends,

Each of you to whom I a

ddress these words has touched my life in unique ways.

The Jewish people are now getting ready for Passover, our festival of freedom. Some of us go into a totally perfectionist preparation hysteria while others do the minimum and some basically do nothing at all except perhaps participate in a seder meal.

As much as I adhere to trying my best to cleanse and prepare, the main thing for me is to remember, cogitate and internalize some basic meanings.

FREEDOM, release from slavery, both corporate and personal after (hundreds of) years, personal responsibility, examining and taking charge of my life under the tutelage of the Almighty and trusted teachers, reconciliation with my fellows, unity, forgiveness and rebirth.

Evaluating myself yet again and courageously making a "heshbon," an accounting of my failures and successes since Rosh HaShana, the Jewish New Year.

It all seems to go by so quickly. We have so many responsibilities, so many demands on our time, worries up the yazoo, distractions, and even wasted time stemming from myriad detours.

We forget to let those we value know what they have meant to us.

Therefore, dear friends and family, I am thinking of you! I acknowledge that I am not in touch with you often enough or deeply enough. Please forgive me for that.

I would love to live in the same neighborhood with you and see you at the market, the post office, on the street and be able to shoot the breeze with you for a few minutes every week. Our life-styles pull us in so many directions that we no longer seem to share the same village.

I want you to know your are important to me! That your name and face pass through my thoughts more often than you can imagine! That I am wishing you every good thing that I wish for myself.

May we all come to experience our liberation from "Egypt," that narrow place that limits and at times torments us.

For all the hurts and disappointments you have experienced of late, I pray healing and restoration.

For your successes, I salute you. For your hopes and dreams, I wish and pray for your continued optimism, energy, inspiration and accomplishment.

I ask your forgiveness for neglecting you and look forward to more connection and love!

Oceans of love,

Linda Shulamit,

Mother, sister, daughter, niece, cousin, friend and colleague

RUNNING TO WHOLENESS

Running to Wholeness

All the tapes in my head, running all the time, sometimes such a soft whisper that I barely, barely can hear. But I know it's there.

I understand that the child I was, could not filter nor properly assess the twisted programing, sent by equally victimized individuals, playing out the endless torture scenes of their own childhood nightmares.

And all done in the name of "love."

It wasn't their fault. They were captive in an era when no one spoke of these shameful secrets.

And I also was a victim, but, thank G-d, I live at a time in history when we are openly confronting and challenging the deepest, filthiest sins of the human race.

Now I must take control of the demons that have driven me all my life to pursue toxic relationships, to sabotage myself every time I am within view of my long-fought for goal.

Now, when true love is on the horizon, lightening the eastern sky, now is the time to take control of myself.

I must cleanse myself of every fear, every distorted thought and attitude.

I must filter every negative whisper and shout that attempts to fill me with fear.

"...and the main thing is to have no fear, no fear at all."

I looked in the mirror tonight after Shabbat ended and saw a beautiful, deep, loving, courageous woman.

I understand now that I deserve to be loved for the wholeness that I am, not used because I am sensual and orgasmic.

I understand that the righteous, good and decent man who gently woos me and wins my trust will be truly blessed if I consent to give myself to him.

Now I know that the choice is mine. I choose. I choose.

I know I am a treasure who loves deeply and self-sacrificially.

I know this man will thank G-d every day of his life that he has me at his side, guarding his back and giving him all the love he has longed for his whole life long.

I know that the end of a relationship no longer must be a heart-break. If that person was truly worthy of even a taste of my love, it is a memory that will nurture me into the future.

I understand that each is an experience in growth, in learning to harness the powerful emotions that make us vital, dynamic, creative.

"Ze lo sof ha olam." It is not the end to world. It is trial by fire at times, it is boot camp, it is the great laboratory where we strive to perfect ourselves.

I was damaged, but I am no longer a victim.

I am a good student.

I am a quick study in so many things,

but not this one.

This has taken decades.

But I am arriving.

With gratitude to the Most High, with beautiful hopes for a future of contentment and real love, real connectedness, real peace.

My heart sings praises to the Creator and Sustainer of all things.

The destructive power has come to its end. My eyes have been opened and now I will walk in the light.

Israel Matzav: The UN dismisses Jewish history because we do

Israel Matzav: The UN dismisses Jewish history because we do

Sunset Fruit

We are approaching the sunset years of our life, a long, lingering slowly sinking, westerly sun, floating gently into a far horizon .

I offer you my sunset fruit.

Are you the man who will treasure this shining gift. The gift of my decades of joy and sadness, the very real outlook of a weathered, strengthened, round-edged vixen grown mellow.

The possibility of love. What a delicious hope!

And you, the man who loves to love, loves to play, loves to give.

Who can only make love to a woman he loves.

How fresh, how miraculous and wise!

A man who has lived a wide and fulfilling life. A man comfortable with himself, with no more driving ambitions, except one; to have his true partner, the woman he will love for the rest of his days.

Is this not what I have longed for my whole life through?

Soon, we will enter our Golden Years, drenched in mischief, silliness, cooking for each other, dancing to a Latin beat, with an Israeli accent. Hours of touching, fondling, stroking, laughing, dumb-struck!

Could this be the fulfillment of my forever dream?

Come to me, you, son of the enchanted forest, centaur, shooting your arrows straight and true.

My heart is open.

My Hummingbird

I am such a lucky woman to live in a condo in Pasadena on the top fourth floor. The view is spectacular, nothing but trees, mountains and sky.

There's a spacious balcony where I have my potted herbs and vegetables, three plastic chairs and a small table. On the ceiling outside the dining room window hangs a red hummingbird feeder.

One of the male hummingbirds that lives in the tree opposite me has claimed my balcony as his territory. I've named him "Buddy."

If one of the others tries to sip my home-made nectar, Buddy chases him or her away rather roughly if he happens to be close.

I've been traveling a lot lately so the feeder hasn't been refilled in a timely manner. Buddy has decided that it's his right and perhaps even his responsibility to chastise me for my negligence.

He flies right up to my dining room window about four feet from the feeder and hovers, moving his head back and forth as if shaking it, not believing how poorly I am behaving.

My friend, Batya, stayed with me a couple of days and was not only startled but amused at this odd relationship Buddy and I have.

I've been wanting to rescue a border collie mix but I'll bet Buddy would have a fit to find a dog on HIS balcony. My plants are fine, but (wo)man's best friend? I doubt it!

Dear Gentle readers, any suggestions? Thank you in advance.